Accept And: A Way Through Judgment
Throughout my career, I have often found myself adding to my to-do list instead of leaning into my goals. Another certification. Another course. Another credential to earn before I felt ready to call myself an expert, innovator, coach.
During those times, I told myself I was being thorough. Looking back, I can see what was actually happening. I was judging myself as not enough, and that judgment was doing the deciding for me. It slowed my answers in meetings. It delayed the launch of my coaching practice. It kept me quietly collecting proof of worthiness instead of sharing what I already knew.
Judgement is sneaky that way. It rarely announces itself. It just quietly closes doors.
A DISTINCTION WORTH SITTING WITH
Judgment is the act of forming an opinion. It makes up its mind and shuts the door to further discussion.
Discernment is different. Discernment is the deep investigation that lets us see clearly. It stays open. It stays expansive. It leaves room for more information to arrive.
One closes. The other keeps looking.
NEGATIVITY BIAS
This matters because judgment, whether aimed at ourselves, at others, or at our circumstances, is the trigger behind so much of our negative emotion. And there is a reason it happens so easily.
Our brains are wired with a negativity bias. We process, amplify, and store negative information three to five times more strongly than positive information. This served our ancestors well when danger meant survival.
Outside of true life or death moments, though, it quietly costs us peace, relationships, financial stability, and the opportunities that come from growth.
When we judge ourselves, the feelings that follow tend to be heavy ones. Anger. Stress. Frustration. Disappointment. Guilt. Shame. And here is the part I find most striking - our observations under judgment are not always accurate.
Catastrophizing is a common example…My slide in that presentation had a spelling error. They will assume that I am incompetent and will be unlikely to continue the discussion. They will doubt my skill and competence. In reality, it is likely that no one noticed.
Judging self can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You might think… my efforts are not worthy of recognition. So when recognition does arrive, instead of receiving it, you wonder what is wrong with the process or the people who chose you. That inaccurate observation can lead straight to self-sabotage (ask me how I know), and soon enough, you are no longer allowing yourself to do the work that deserves to be recognized.
When we judge others, something else is at work, mirror neurons come into play. Mirror neurons mean that when you judge another, you activate their judge. It becomes a cycle, one closed door leading to another. Yes, you’re right, when you judge the way your partner loads the dishwasher, you activate their judge too…
And when we judge a circumstance, we often assume it is simply bad, full stop, without asking what else might be true. We miss the opportunity or gift that is hidden within that situation.
Judgment quietly costs us peace, relationships, financial stability, and the opportunities that come from growth.
A PRACTICAL TOOL
The alternative to judging yourself is a phrase I return to often: “Accept and…”
You can accept a circumstance and still have thoughts and feelings about it, including thoughts of peace. From that place, you can even pursue an accurate observation and choose an action that moves things forward.
Try this the next time you notice judgment arriving.
Judging yourself? Ask what it would look like to accept this moment and choose your next thought with intention.
Judging another person? Pause and return to the facts. What actually happened, separate from the story you are telling about it?
Judging a circumstance? Get curious. Is there an opportunity here, even a small one, that judgment is keeping you from seeing?
Accept and…
A CLOSING THOUGHT
Discernment does not ask you to stop noticing. It asks you to keep the door open a little longer before you decide what something means. That openness is where clarity tends to live.